Yeah, I seem to be double-posting these days. Probably because I have lots of things on my mind again and need some outlet to...well, let it out. My videos on the Unforgettable Royal Concert seems to be taking ages, but I WILL upload them, by hook or by crook! *wry grin*

Had a little chat today with my cousin...it's funny how we don't really talk much when we see each other (or maybe it's because of the fact that she's away in the US), but we seem to be able to chat quite a bit online. Today's topic seemed to revolve around dieting....wow, my 'favourite' topic.

Most people know me as the 'quiet, shy one' and sometimes 'action' like they say in Malaysia from the first impression...that's because I don't talk as much. I talk more to people that I know and are comfortable with...starting a conversation with a stranger? Not so me. Yes, I have low self-esteem....why? Take one look at me and you'll probably guess why. No, I'm never pretty by any standard...nor am I the ideal 'body type' of how an average Asian is SUPPOSED to look like (read: slim, petite, anything that resembles 'mini' or 'teeny' - take your pick). In fact, I'm probably the extreme opposite of how one Asian girl is supposed to look like...which brings me to this point in life right now.

I don't really know if I am 'depressed' so to speak...I think people like to use that word too liberally, making it less of an impact. I am not suicidal, nor am I at the 'depths of my despair' to quote Anne of Green Gables. Just quite unhappy with the lot in life I'm at right now...part of my brain keeps quoting all those cliches like 'Inner beauty is what matters most' or 'Beauty is only skin-deep' or 'Beauty is in the eye of the beholder', but the other part keeps pushing me down and reminding me of all the hurtful comments I've gotten over the years. (Gosh, I can't believe I'm spilling tears even as I write this). True, I may look indifferent to your comments or maybe even laugh at it....but I guess I'm not the forgetting type. It may not hurt me per se if I'm in a good mood...but I tend to drag these things out when I'm in my self-pity mode. Blessed (or cursed, however you may want to see it) with quite a good memory when I want to use it, these things get stored, shut away at some dark corner, and rehashed in its full glory when I'm at that dark place.

What rubs it in further is when I see slim people like my cousins or sisters who all claim they are 'too fat' and want to diet...My God, can't they see that there are actually people who would give almost anything to have any resemblance to that kind of body? The kind where you can easily fit into any small sized clothing without looking like an oversized elephant trying to squeeze into a plastic bag? Or the kind where you can just pick any kind of clothing that is reasonably priced and still look good without having to spend a bomb on something that never looked anywhere near as nice, but buy it anyway because it FITS? Am I vain? I don't know....but I AM sick and tired of having to walk past rows and rows of shops that had nice clothes which doesn't fit me in one glance; or asking for the biggest-sized top only to realize I didn't fit even the biggest size that they carry.

Yeah, I know there are many more people who are 'far worse off' than me...but try living in a family where everyone's as skinny as a twig, and that was the 'benchmark' that people compare you to. It never ceases to amaze me how people think that THAT can be a motivation...it was never a motivation for me. More like torture.

I guess I'm overly sensitive or something...my sis told me once, 'If you hate yourself so much, then DO SOMETHING about it'. Like what? Diet? Did it, but dieting never worked...I ALWAYS end up eating more than I should when I'm depraved of it. Plus, I eat when I'm upset...which is about most of the time. Then when I get fatter, it makes me even MORE upset, and I eat...again. *sigh* Exercise? Never had enough money to go to the gym...hated sports. Yeah, these are lame excuses I know. Not trying to justify myself, so there...I'm wallowing.

Sometimes, I DO feel good though...like I'm proud that I have a bit of a height, and my legs can carry off long pants (sometimes). But then, sheesh...it all comes tumbling down when I spot my two gorgeous sisters heading off in their small sized clothes; when they start shopping for nice, skinny jeans on sale and all they have were sizes 24 - 28. Very good motivation right?

Yeah, yeah...I get the 'so what if you don't look pretty? Got personality already can la' statement. But honestly, personality only comes through after you've gotten to KNOW a person. First impression...ALWAYS looks. And when you don't have it, you don't have it. People keep commenting that I should get a boyfriend, yada yada yada yada...where in the world would you find a guy who would like silly old me? Truth be told, I find it hard to believe that there IS that one guy who could just accept me like I am without changing a single thing about me....which is probably why I'm going to end up alone.

Maybe this is what this post is about anyways...beauty = attraction = first impression = possibility of finding a life partner. I really admire those who really love themselves no matter what people label them as...I guess I'm not that kind of girl. I need to learn how to disregard other people's remarks, but it's been such a habit of mine to keep it in that it's hard to break. I hope I can do that someday.

For now, I guess my only solace would be my little piece of treasure...he was so sweet when I was crying all over the place watching 'My Sister's Keeper'. Scottie kept wanting to come up on the sofa and give me kisses when he saw my tears...I'll always remember that moment =)