You know that scene in Harry Potter where he ducks his head into the Pensieve and gets transported into someone's memories as a spectator but cannot do anything about it? Well, I've been kind of feeling that a lot lately....just yesterday night, I became a reluctant 'eye and ear witness' to a big argument at home between the parents and my younger sis. Why reluctant? Picture this if you will: I'd just gotten back from the gym all tired and aching (think I've overworked the arms a little...two consecutive days of arm group muscle exercises!) and after resting a little and catching up on some Cesar Milan episodes, I went to bed to catch some Z's. It's past 12am, and the sis comes storming into the room and starts a yelling fest with Mom followed by Dad! 

Don't think I want to go into the specifics (that would take a whole lot of words...and then some!), but suffice to say that she is not a big fan of the parents trying to control her life. Yes, by this point of time you've probably realized that we're still living with our parents...sad, isn't it? And I'm sharing a room even! *face palm* Jokes aside though, I had been wondering where did that notion that 'someone still living with their parents is a bad thing' came about? Anyways, I'm digressing...where was I?

Oh yes, see...this sis of mine has been kind of a 'rebel' - if you will - in our family. She's the one that while my parents spoil her to bits, will also be the one that they worry about the most in terms of her 'behaviour'. So, in this argument she's been spewing words like "Who still gives curfews to their 24-year-old daughter??" or "I'm so sick of living in this 'cage' and having NO LIFE WHATSOEVER", and especially "It is such a SHAME to have you as my parents!" to them.  

While some of what she mentioned was kinda true, (I felt the same way too about the 'curfews', only I was too chicken to say it out loud) the one thing that really got to me was her biggest saying that she is so ashamed of our parents. If there is one thing true about parents, they will never be perfect...but NO ONE (and I really do emphasize that) has the right to say that they are ashamed of their parents! They are after all, the ones who brought us into the world and took care of us in our most vulnerable times, showered us with their love and provided us with the best that they could give. Yes, I may be resentful of what they might do sometimes but I do believe that I am not ashamed of my parents because without them I wouldn't be what I am today. For this, I felt really angry for my parents, and I can't imagine how their hearts would have broken when they hear it coming out from her mouth. 

Looking on the 'outside' of the argument, what I can gather is that she is resentful of how restrictive they are in terms of house rules and what not, but she doesn't see the other things that they do: how they would just drop what they're doing and accommodate her every whim; how Mom wakes up every time to make her breakfast regardless of what time she goes to work (and she does go to work at some ungodly hours!) or wait for her to come home safely from the airport every time; how Mom would make sure her uniform is always pressed and ready for her while she just goes out and have fun with her bf/friends...the list goes on.

That being said though, our parents do exercise really rigid house rules...I still do remember to this day how someone mockingly and incredulously said to me, "You still have curfew ar??!" when I told them I had to leave early. And that happened in my uni days! These days, while sometimes my parents don't mention anything when I hang out late with friends, (is 2-3am considered late?) whenever they do it's always in some condescending tone which is very frustrating especially when they assume that when we go out, all we will ever do is drink, smoke, do drugs, or screw around (??!!!)

What I really would like to do is just to tell them that they've raised us right! Don't they know that all the nagging and what not have resulted in us being who we are now? Sure, we may hang out with friends who party, but that doesn't mean that we are so easily influenced now....I mean, give yourselves some credit! All those years of grilling into our heads that smoking / drinking is detrimental...you think we didn't listen but we do. I for one, can't drink AT ALL...the most I would go is a glass or two of beer. No matter how one coaxes me, I don't drink more than that coz it really doesn't agree with me and I don't like that feeling so I know my limits. And don't get me started on smoking either...while I do have quite a few friends who smoke, and I HAVE tried shisha before it doesn't really affect me much. I don't feel the peer pressure of wanting to smoke to look cool or to socialize more with others. So, have faith in us Mom and Dad! We do know how to differentiate what's right and wrong! If only they could read this and understand...though some small part of me also thinks that because they have ingrained into their heads that we are still small girls who are so naive they feel the need to 'protect' us from the cruel world, they won't listen. *sigh* 

Which really brings me to my next question: How much control is too much? All I've known in my life so far is my parents are being overprotective (up to the point of smothering sometimes), and yet I have also friends whose parents gave them complete freedom in the sense that they don't blink an eye when their kids only come home the next day, or not knowing where their kids are at any time....which got me thinking, what if (on the off chance) something untoward happens to the kids? Will anybody know where to look for them, or try and get help from others - be it the authorities or family and friends? From this point of view, I am glad that we have some accountability within our family...I do know that at some point of time, if I don't call home or I don't get home, my parents will not hesitate to call me straightaway or do something to ensure that I am on my way home safely. True, it is rather uncomfortable to be receiving a call from home whenever you're hanging out with friends, but knock on wood...if anything bad happens to me, I know at least SOMEONE knows where I was and will try to get a hold of me again.

Bleh...I sound like a nerdy goody-two-shoes daughter. Sometimes, I've wondered if I'm like those characters that you see on those behavioral analysis shows...you know, the one who tries REALLY hard to be that perfect kid for the parents to compensate for the behavior of the other siblings who are giving the parents a hard time. Come to think of it, perhaps I am...or I could be watching too many of these shows that I've been brainwashed or something =\ Still, I've also wondered what it's like to have total freedom.  Yeah, lots of people tell me that it's easy....just move out. Believe me, I have toyed with that option so many times it's unimaginable! But (and there's always a but!), it's not that simple for my family for many reasons that I don't think I can share just yet. As it is, I believe this is the longest entry I have to date....think I'd better stop for now. 

Love 'em or hate 'em, at some point in our lives we do need a friend (or two) to share our happiness, sadness, frustration, etc etc. Just today I had a conversation with a colleague about our own personalities and the friends we keep, and it was kind of a little nudge on me that I don't have that many friends, or I don't really know how to choose my friends.

I can't exactly remember how our conversation veered into this direction, but we started talking about friends and she asked me if I have any best friends. Thinking about it after a while, I told her that I don't really have any kind of best friend....and she looked at me almost with sympathy. 

To be honest, my definition of a 'best friend' would be the kind of friend where we would share literally (almost) everything....in terms of really personal things. You know, the kind that we see in the movies and what not...those friends that are almost joined at the hip and will do almost everything together, share secrets with each other that nobody else knows (not even their own family), etc etc. But I find that over the years, while I have made many  good and close friends, I don't even have one friend that I would share my deepest, darkest secrets with. 

Not that I have any weird secrets or whatever, but it made me realize that hmm....I'm quite the loner. And as I try to think on the reasons why, I wonder if it could be because I was built that way. I am a middle child...my elder sis was very much older than me, so we didn't have that much in common growing up (till now). My younger sis, although nearer in age with me, was kind of a spoiled brat (LOL!) so I pretty much spend my time alone. I favored books over hanging out with friends; when my sisters went into the Arts stream, I ventured into Science; none of my sisters liked music, but I reveled in it (at least for a good few years till I felt so pressured I quit). Pretty much most of my childhood I do things on my own and was pretty independent. When things go wrong, I find myself retreating to my 'safe place' which is my own mind...and try to work things out myself. The few times I try to open up to my sisters, they backfire and I guess it became sort of second nature to keep myself guarded at all times.

I don't blame anybody really...it's just that I've been so used to being on my own that it's hard to let anybody else in. I guess, so much so that when people first met me they think I'm someone who is arrogant or snobbish. Yes, I have had so many of my friends tell me that that's their first impression of me! I try my hardest not to be super quiet and all, but meh...it never really worked. But once they get to know me, they find that hey, I'm not that bad...just awkward with social situations, speaks almost exclusively in English and will probably only talk with people when first talked to. LOL! Somehow though, I've managed to make some friends, and thanks to the Internet, quite a few good online friends as well. It's just when it comes to personal matters, I've never yet met someone that I've felt comfortable enough to 'bare my heart and soul'...so to speak.

And my colleague tells me that it's because I've never actually shared with someone. How would I know whether I am comfortable enough? And I realize that it's kinda true too.  I've not opened my heart yet to anybody before...how WOULD I know whether I can trust someone right? There was a time when I thought I could do that, but that relationship (if I can call it that) got nipped in the bud before I took that leap. I guess it's always going to be kinda like, I have to take the first step and pray to God that I don't fall straight into the valley. 

Well, I do hope to someday find that ever-elusive person that I could talk about anything with...till then, this journal of mine will probably be my only outlet. And till then, I'm really thankful for my handful of good friends who still wanted to be my friend even when I have my emo times and what not =) Cheers for good friends!

Whew, here I go again...go on a post rampage and then 'silence' for a few weeks. LOL! Oh well, here are the bits and pieces of updates so far:

It's been quite a hectic few weeks as I had been busy with work, which is good...I have been here for a year now, and I have no complaints in the sense that I don't feel restless or unaccomplished or even dissatisfied. Sure, there have been stress at work...sometimes more than I bargained for, but it all worked out in the end. For which I'm thankful for, and I am hoping this state that I'm in lasts for some time =) Being able to learn more about the systems that I'm working with and still being motivated to continue on with this company are kind of good signs for me at the moment. 

The past few days also had been a bit dizzying, what with me doing the data cleansing job again...I know, I said I would never do it again but the pay is kind of good for a few days' work and it's only a few days. I could tolerate this kind of job maybe once a month...it will definitely help me to save a little bit more money. So, if the opportunity comes again next month I might just consider doing it again. LOL!

Gym on the other hand had been fluctuating =( Just a few days ago, I had my personal training session with Jack and he wanted to do the physical assessment thing to check on my progress. I waited with anticipation to see how I'd done, but to my dismay I didn't even lose 1kg! (I lost like 600g...LMAO!) And to rub salt in the wound, my fat percentage has gone up almost 2% and muscle mass decreased! *sighhhhh* Jack asked me about my eating habits and at first thought, I don't remember eating out of the ordinary (this meaning I have been sticking to less oily foods, more fruits and veggies, more grilled / steamed foods when possible, less portions). Until....I checked back my food journal. Dang it, there have been wedding dinners, open houses, and super heavy lunches (think burgers and other fast food. Eep!) that I had forgotten about and needless to say, I had been eating too much. Blehhhhhh! Just goes to show that I can't have too much in one stretch of a time...once a while is still fine, but once I start eating more, THIS happens. Oh well...Jack gave me some 'homework' to do in between our sessions, i.e 40 mins of cardio (or burning 600kcal!), followed by 2-3 sets of lunges, squats, burpees and sit ups (20 reps each!). o.O" Wish me luck as I try to attempt it this week after the part time job finishes!

Ah yes, another bit that I'm pretty excited about is that I've splurged on something that's kind of been on my wishlist since I've started vesting an interest in baking. It's black, shiny, and kinda huge! LOL! Yeah, of all the double entendres I can use, I use those...*rolls eyes* Here's a photo that I grabbed online just to show a sneak peek. I have yet to unwrap it in its entirety to snap proper pics and get a feel on how to use it, so hopefully I can do that in my next entry: