First of all, thank you very much for seeing me on Friday in the 'sharing' session between your organization and myself. After that session, I have given it much thought and contemplation on what was being shared, and in line with the concept of 'family' and being open to ideas and opinions, allow me to share a few that I haven't been able to share honestly during my time with you.

Yes, it's very true that I don't go about with makeup on my face. As you have already noticed, it is not the most suitable kind to be putting on makeup. I have done what I can, going to a dermatologist. It has actually been much better than it used to be. The thing is though, money has been a problem, especially after my dermatologist passed away. Going to beauty salons to get facials hasn't been helping either. I had even been to Ultimate Impressions (now called bluunis, as I'm sure you're already familiar with) which promised me that my face would clear up after 10 sessions. After my fifth, my face had become so bad I had lost faith in not only their products but their services as well. Needless to say I never went back, and there goes RM1k++ down the drain. Looking back at that experience got me thinking...is branding all that? Just a lot of nice layers so that consumers would go get their products and service? Perhaps you might see it differently, but to me as a consumer, it is so wrong to go all out and market products that claim they are great, but in real life, it is not that way at all. 

Back to the face thing. Is it so true that without makeup a lady cannot be presentable? I do not claim that I am very pretty or whatsoever, but I do know friends who go about without makeup and they still look very pleasant. I would like to try make up on (I do like how I looked in that photo), but it is SO hard for me to put make up on and NOT break out right after. That time I took the photo, I looked okay for a while, but the week after, I cannot be seen at all. I do know some products that will help not to break out, but these non-comedogenic products are hard to come by (read: expensive) and I doubt that I can afford that, should I be staying in Penang with a salary less than RM2k.

Call me calculative or what may, but I find it so very difficult to be able to make ends meet with a salary that's less than RM2k and having to rent my own place, probably paying for a car, and other expenses. It might be sufficient maybe 5 - 10 years ago, but with the current situation, it seems impossible. To break it down and in your words, 'being thrifty enough', a room: RM400 (minus bills), car: RM300-500, food: RM600. That is already RM1300 - RM1500. Way more than the RM1250 that one can apparently survive in Penang. And that doesn't include the other expenses I have to bear for let's say, another dermatologist (consultation fee: RM70 every time, medication: RM100 - 300 depending on what was prescribed), make up (easily costing from RM200 - RM500 for basic utensils and what not) and not to mention clothes (you might have noticed that I am not of the petite size that the average Malaysian girl has. As such, my clothes are always hard to find, and I almost always have to purchase clothes that are imported. These range from RM50 - RM100 for each piece). All in the name of looking 'good and presentable'. Oh yes, let's not forget the contact lenses that I have to purchase (A box of contact lenses that last a month costs about RM50-60) and at the same time sacrificing my already deteriorating eyesight. Even though it is quite 'mild' now, but with prolonged use of contacts every day for up to 12 hours (which I am presuming to work) the eyes will definitely be in very bad shape. Ask any ophthalmologist or optician, and they will tell you the same thing.

And forgive me if I am wrong, but with all the sayings about being a family and all that, doesn't being in a family mean that we would accept each other as we are? Would you say that YOUR family will only accept pretty girls and handsome guys? In that case, I guess I wouldn't be suitable to be part of the family. Yes, my family would always get me to try and be 'better', but in the end, should I choose not to, they would still accept me as I am because I AM FAMILY. If this 'family' thing is really as it claimed itself to be in your organization, I'm so sorry but I think it's very discriminatory.

At this point of time, you might be saying that these are just excuses for myself to make me feel better. It might be to you, but that IS the reality that I am living with now. I am imperfect, and I doubt that I could be very well be on the way of 'climbing up' with having to not just be on top of my game work-wise, but also having to compete in the looks department. And yet, I have also things that I like and love which don't necessarily need me to be THAT pretty person, for which I am very thankful for. Having said that, I thank you once again for the 'sharing' session. Although I am - as was being implied - 'unsuitable' for the position, it had taught me a little bit more about the branding 'world' and how I won't be able to fit in. I shall therefore 'not waste both your time and mine' with the process any longer. Thank you and hope you have a good day.

Sincerely, Audrey

I'm still pinching myself that I'm in Penang right now. It has been such a whirlwind experience; taking a bus (and almost missing it) to Penang and reaching in record time (according to my friend who went with me), going for a job interview that has started to freak me out a little, and having such a gastronomical adventure with all the great food in Penang!

I don't really know what prompted me to go for this job thing. At first, it was just about trying to get a job that is in line of my writing interest, but now looking back at this interview that i was just at, I'm starting to freak out. Perhaps it's about their concept of 'branding' as they put it. The way they go on and on about building dreams and passion is great, but then they also go about talking on how they are all a 'family' and that they do not have office politics. Ever. Guaranteed some more! Try as I may, I seriously can't grasp the idea that there is an actual company that can guarantee no office politics...either they are really THAT good, or they are so hoodwinked into their 'branding' thing that they don't see it happening. Yes, I am that cynical.

Maybe I'm being bitter or something. There was a time they talked about personal grooming and they asked me questions that really took me off guard. They showed me the photo that I sent them a while back of myself (which was taken after my photoshoot for graduation. I had nice make up and hair done by an actual make up artist), and then went "What happened to you? Why did you show up like what you are now? I find it quite unacceptable that you have come to the interview with NO MAKE UP on. Personal grooming is very important, [insert long speech about grooming and looking the part]. Do you go for facials? I think perhaps before you put on make up and stuff like that, you should go to beauty salons and let them analyse your skin so you can get your skin cleared up first. Do you wear contacts? *After I told them about my degree of short-sightedness* Oh, it's very mild only!"

Okay, I have no qualms about you telling me that I don't take pride in how I look, even though how nice you may have put it and stuff like that. Truth is, I find it such a lost cause, especially my face. Talking about that is another long story, but suffice to say that I've not only spent a tremendous amount of money on it, but it's not doing much at the moment. I would like to try make up on (I do like how I looked in that photo), but it is SO hard for me to put make up on and NOT break out right after. That time I took the photo, I looked okay for a while, but the week after, I cannot be seen at all. And it's not that I don't want to wear contacts, but it IS actually not good to wear it on a long term basis. Facing the PC everyday for almost 8 hours everyday will not do the eyes good. I do wear contacts when it comes to special occasions, but contact lenses cost money too, you know? Would you be implying that I have to sacrifice my eyes to make sure that I look good? And what of that 'family' concept? Isn't the core thing about family is that we accept each other for who we are, ugly warts, fat bits and all? Would you say that YOUR family will only accept pretty girls and handsome guys? And I still don't get that girls have to make up and all that. Call me naive or what, but why is it that only GIRLS have to do it? I don't see guys putting make up on (Okay, maybe some really vain ones do, but I doubt that the majority of guys do it just yet), and yet they seem to do alright. Wouldn't one just need to look presentable? Wouldn't having make up on make you feel like a fraud; a mask that you have to put on daily, to hide your flaws and project a false image of yourself? I don't know. I guess it's my own thing. Apparently, it's not just about what you can do; how you look is equally (if not more) important. Have we become that shallow, or it's just me?

Looking at their take on how much I'm to expect for my 'non-experience', I wonder if I could survive (they are asking me to expect not even my current salary. Instead, maybe even lower than my starting pay when I first worked in my current company). Moving to Penang, getting a room and having to most probably get a car, what would that leave me for savings or even giving my parents 'spending money'? According to them, if I'm 'thrifty enough, and willing to work hard, you would be rewarded when performance is great'. Wow, that just puts a fire into your spirit.

I still can't phantom how I'm going to deal with this. I guess I'm making up more excuses for myself for not 'going the distance and taking action'. Suddenly I don't feel like doing the assignment that they have given me. Am I such a loser that I would just give up like that? Maybe I am. Or maybe I should take it as a challenge to just do it and see how far I can go;  and if (that's a big IF) on the off-chance that they would offer me the job, throwing it back at their face saying that I don't need them. Yeah, that sounds like a plan...

HR: *talking really fast, like as if he/she is rushing for something and has no time to talk* Hi Audrey, we're pleased to inform you that you have been offered a position in [insert company's name]. Your position is [insert job designation], and we are offering you a salary package of [insert necessary details about salary, bonuses, leaves, etc etc]. So, do you accept??

Me: *taken aback from the sudden influx of information to digest* Errrr....okayyyy. That sounds good, but would it be possible for me to take some time to think about it? I need time to digest the information given to me.

HR: *is now either quite impatient or speaks in an even more chipper voice* Okayyy...how much time do you need? Can I call you TOMORROW??!!

Me: *even more flabbergasted*

Been feeling kinda restless of late. Still am figuring out what the heck I'm restless about...is it my job DISsatisfaction? Or the fact that I'm getting older, and the dreaded questions about marriage and kids spring up? OR, maybe I'm just getting depressed seeing all my friends being either happily married (with kids some more!) or going somewhere with their career, or even being able to do what they love...all of which I haven't been able to do.

Speaking of job dissatisfaction, I just got off from the external audit that our company had today. Real kudos and props should be given to my colleagues for all their hard work and cooperation with me, the ever-so-blur-case person supposedly 'in charge'. >.<" We all got an email from the CEO congratulating us for the work we had done, but the big spoiler to the 'exhilaration' would be the parting line of "...I would also like to think that there were NO LESS attention on your daily tasks! .....we must add VALUE!" -__________________-" What a way to deflate your so-called happiness right?

I remember someone asking me before about choosing between job satisfaction and money. Normally, I would always answer 'Job satisfaction, because enjoying what you do for a living is definitely better than the amount of money you make.' I realized now how naive I had been, looking back on my previous statement -it IS true that you should be enjoying what you do, but how many actually are fortunate enough to do THAT? I know very precious few people who do...and UNfortunately, I am not one of them. For what it's worth now, money seems to be the key factor that I'm gearing towards to. Why? I don't know...maybe it's partly because I happen to be one of those people that my parents kind of depend on to look after them when they're old (which I am still nowhere near to doing just yet). Supporting yourself is one thing, but to have other people supposedly counting on you to 'bring in more money for the family' sure kicks you in the head hard. And often times, I keep looking at my job and go, "What the heck am I doing now?" 

I had been wanting to try and get a career in writing since quite some time ago. Only recently I've been able to sort of 'break through' with the little freelance work that I can squeeze in after work hours. And I find, I quite enjoy it :) Thing is though, if I DO ever want to switch jobs, I would never be able to get back the current pay that I'm getting (low as it is now). What with me not having experience or formal 'training' in university in journalism and what not, I'm pretty sure that I'll be starting back with the salary I started with 2 years ago...maybe even lower. And, being 'knocked' with some sense talk by my elder sis (who with her good intentions, I fully understand), I realized that I might not be able to go far (so to speak) with writing as a full-time job. Sure, writing is my passion, but it doesn't pay that much...even for an editor. And so, I'm back to square one: either find a job that pays me decently (but I can potentially hate), or go with a job that I love (and possibly live poor[-ish] for the rest of my life).

Yes, I do understand that money is not everything, but my dear...money IS essential too. I don't know if it sounds so materialistic to some people, but I am sick and tired of having no savings on my own, no car, no house, and not having the option of being able to travel to wherever I want. Oh heck, forget all of that...I am barely making ends meet for myself, let alone supporting my parents!

I know, there are definitely many more people who are worse off than me. For that, I am thankful. BUT, who doesn't want to be moving forward and being better off? For me, I feel the pressure...and the clock is ticking for me. I'm getting older, and have no sign of moving up the 'corporate ladder'. Rather, I feel myself falling down from the ladder and am just looking at everybody else around me getting richer, or just moving up so fast. 

I remember reading somewhere along the lines of, "Stop asking WHY people can do it! Instead, ask yourself HOW you can achieve what they are doing!" Great advice, except for one small thing...if I already know HOW people are getting rich, I wouldn't be asking WHY right? And...if everybody knew HOW to get rich, there wouldn't be poverty, or labourers struggling to make a living. Heck, everyone would be rich billionaires! Not that I don't think about it still. I DO think about how...but all the time, the answer eludes me. Such is my life...and it kind of sucks. *sigh*