To pine (verb) - to yearn deeply; suffer with longing; long painfully
I think I finally understood what was it that made my head & heart ache so much. This initially was meant for my eyes only, but I realized Blogger has no function to make single posts private. Still, I figured...I don't have that many readers anyways, and if that someone reads this...well, things have already been awkward already, and I don't think it'll change anything since it was over and he's moved on. So what the heck.
Yes, it was a boy...a boy that I didn't realize that I had feelings for for so long. It kinda felt like ages and eons ago that the relationship ended, but looking back, it's only been a few months. And I'm still nursing this hurt for some reason. A friend wondered if girls like us, who hardly ever gets the guy, hang on that much harder compared to those who have it good and very often...I find this ever so true. To make it 'worse', this was my first relationship and yes, it cut way deeper than I thought.
I remembered that he asked me once if I had said 'yes' to dating him because he was the first one to ask me, or if it's because I do like him. I failed in telling him because a) I was not used to being asked things like this; and b) I am not the girl that wears her heart on her sleeve. Opening up always have a negative effect for me, so I always chose not to reveal too much. To be really honest, I initially wanted to say 'no'. Not because I don't like him, but I really enjoyed being friends with him. Saying 'yes' would mean ruining that friendship, but I figured if he could take that chance and ask, why couldn't I say yes? He has been nothing but nice to me, can talk the ears off anybody (which I like even though I'm quiet as heck), can be sarcastic (which I like because very few people gets sarcasm these days) and an overall good guy. True, he's not perfect but who am I to complain? I'm leagues away from being anywhere close to perfect.
Thinking back, I had wanted to ask something along the same lines too but I was too chicken to ask: Was the reason that he asked me out because he really liked me for who I am, or was it because I had taken the effort to make myself 'pretty'. Not that I'm near pretty or whatever but we had known each other for a few years already and when I first met him, I was overweight, had acne all over my face and I just can't be bothered with how I looked because let's face it...who would want to look at me? It was only the past year that I realized I needed a change for myself and I started working out, watched my diet, trying on make up to hide the hideous acne and finding that hey, I don't look THAT bad anymore. His previous girlfriends have always been quite pretty so it came as a big surprise that he would ask. I don't think I'll ever know the answer to this...but in a way, I guess it's ok too. I might not like what I would hear, so what you don't know sometimes is better.
When he chose to end the relationship, it got me thinking about whether it was me. I know everybody will always say the infamous line, "it's not what you did or about you..." but I can't shake off the feeling that it is. I had been speculating so much about it last time: could it be me being too 'clingy' by pestering him to talk about what's bothering him; was it because I said 'yes' to being his girlfriend too soon, making me someone who is too 'easy' to get...loads and loads. Again, I don't think I'll ever know, so it's quite pointless to keep speculating and giving myself more heartache when the other person didn't even give you much thought.
I had initially thought (and somehow believed) that OK, it's over but we could still be friends....seeing that it had never really gotten THAT deep and it's only been a few weeks that we had been together. It is only now that I realized I have been so naive and kinda pathetic that it could be the way it used to be before all this. He was a good friend...probably the closest guy friend I've ever had. I guess this was what made it even harder...losing a good friendship that has been built over a few years just because there were some 'complications'. And it is true that, even though we try to remain friends...things are never really the same. I don't really feel as comfortable being just a friend with him compared to last time...and yet, I pressed on thinking I can get over this.
Sis told me it's quite useless to stay friends, saying that it'll give me false hopes that he will be back...I told her I never expected for him to come back, and at that time I believed it to be true. Now, it's like I'm lying to myself....who am I kidding? If I am so over this, why am I still feeling shitty every now and then for no reason? Why do I feel like I'm always so hopeless and thinking about whether it was me who made the relationship fail? It always hit me hardest whenever I go out and see couples holding hands and chatting away happily....*sigh* You know, it's like...if you've never experienced it before, it doesn't affect you that much because you've never known what it feels like. But when you HAVE, and it's lost...that feeling just sucks balls.
I know he'll probably never read this...but yes, I find I still do have feelings for him. Not that it'll make any difference since I've found out that he's moved on. I wish him all the best...it's really the only thing I could do. And I'll let this hurt wash over...till it gets numb. Listening to the "Wicked" soundtrack so many times now, that I identify so much with Elphaba...the girl who is so different and misunderstood, who loves a boy who she feels won't ever love her back. "He could be that boy; but I'm not that girl," she sings...and that rings true. For Elphaba, it worked out in the end but I don't expect the same will ever happen. So, this is just for the comfort of myself to be able to let it out, and (hopefully) let it go. There was this 'assignment' thing from Oprah's new show...to let go of things that hurt us, or if we couldn't just yet, at least make the decision to let go. So this is my decision...to let go of the hurt and move on. I don't know when it will finally happen, but I've learnt that the mind responds to repetition. So, hopefully by the time I've told myself enough times that I need to let go, this wonky brain of mine will finally let it go and just let the memories be memories without all the pain attached to it.
Kinda ironic that the last few days of the year got me so sad when I see so many people having high hopes and dreams for the coming year. Well, since this is my post to decide to let go, I shall make the decision to let this year be put behind and wipe the slate clean. =) I've had my '5 minutes' of wallowing in this blog post as Morrie puts it, so I'll be posting more happy things in my next post. Been making myself so busy that it's crazy...in a way, it helps with the pain by not thinking about it. Baking helps me too...and I'm so grateful for the projects that came my way when I needed the time off from the emo-crazy shit that I was going through. Next post will be about my projects...they keep getting bigger *wink* Stay tuned!
Ah yes - I so know some of those pains and feelings -
I was the girl in HS that was many guys' friend but never their girlfriend - I think I've come to realise I intimidated them (or at least that is what I tell myself) -
So, shortly after turning 21, a friend introduced me to someone - and I guess I thought this was okay - but I realised I never loved them - despite being married to them for too long - along with a private hell - but enough about that -
What I discovered EVENTUALLY is that I settled with them - but I know I will NEVER do that again -
I did meet someone that taught me the word LOVE and how it is supposed to feel and be like -
How just thinking about seeing him makes me smile - and seeing him, well - and as soon as he is out of sight - or the cell is quiet, I miss him - and what the phone to ring again -
Circumstances don't allow for us to be together as often as we would like but we've made the us we've become last seven plus years -
So what I'm saying is DON'T SETTLE -
And hold to FOR A REASON -
When it is meant to happen, it will -
And in no way was it something YOU did -
And if it was, it wasn't meant to be -
Becoming an US is the result of BOTH parties -
Sorry to have run on but this topic was so close to my heart -
In fact, this might have been written by a much younger me -
Of course, Blogs hadn't been invented when I was your age -
*wink*
Here's to a 2012 that will bring you closer to what is meant to be for you and your 'us' -
Cheers!
Wow, thanks for the comment Phyll *hugs* I really needed that. I shall remember this whenever I get all weird again. Hopefully there'll be someone out there for me :)
Happy New Year to you too! It's already January 1st here :D