Love 'em or hate 'em, at some point in our lives we do need a friend (or two) to share our happiness, sadness, frustration, etc etc. Just today I had a conversation with a colleague about our own personalities and the friends we keep, and it was kind of a little nudge on me that I don't have that many friends, or I don't really know how to choose my friends.

I can't exactly remember how our conversation veered into this direction, but we started talking about friends and she asked me if I have any best friends. Thinking about it after a while, I told her that I don't really have any kind of best friend....and she looked at me almost with sympathy. 

To be honest, my definition of a 'best friend' would be the kind of friend where we would share literally (almost) everything....in terms of really personal things. You know, the kind that we see in the movies and what not...those friends that are almost joined at the hip and will do almost everything together, share secrets with each other that nobody else knows (not even their own family), etc etc. But I find that over the years, while I have made many  good and close friends, I don't even have one friend that I would share my deepest, darkest secrets with. 

Not that I have any weird secrets or whatever, but it made me realize that hmm....I'm quite the loner. And as I try to think on the reasons why, I wonder if it could be because I was built that way. I am a middle child...my elder sis was very much older than me, so we didn't have that much in common growing up (till now). My younger sis, although nearer in age with me, was kind of a spoiled brat (LOL!) so I pretty much spend my time alone. I favored books over hanging out with friends; when my sisters went into the Arts stream, I ventured into Science; none of my sisters liked music, but I reveled in it (at least for a good few years till I felt so pressured I quit). Pretty much most of my childhood I do things on my own and was pretty independent. When things go wrong, I find myself retreating to my 'safe place' which is my own mind...and try to work things out myself. The few times I try to open up to my sisters, they backfire and I guess it became sort of second nature to keep myself guarded at all times.

I don't blame anybody really...it's just that I've been so used to being on my own that it's hard to let anybody else in. I guess, so much so that when people first met me they think I'm someone who is arrogant or snobbish. Yes, I have had so many of my friends tell me that that's their first impression of me! I try my hardest not to be super quiet and all, but meh...it never really worked. But once they get to know me, they find that hey, I'm not that bad...just awkward with social situations, speaks almost exclusively in English and will probably only talk with people when first talked to. LOL! Somehow though, I've managed to make some friends, and thanks to the Internet, quite a few good online friends as well. It's just when it comes to personal matters, I've never yet met someone that I've felt comfortable enough to 'bare my heart and soul'...so to speak.

And my colleague tells me that it's because I've never actually shared with someone. How would I know whether I am comfortable enough? And I realize that it's kinda true too.  I've not opened my heart yet to anybody before...how WOULD I know whether I can trust someone right? There was a time when I thought I could do that, but that relationship (if I can call it that) got nipped in the bud before I took that leap. I guess it's always going to be kinda like, I have to take the first step and pray to God that I don't fall straight into the valley. 

Well, I do hope to someday find that ever-elusive person that I could talk about anything with...till then, this journal of mine will probably be my only outlet. And till then, I'm really thankful for my handful of good friends who still wanted to be my friend even when I have my emo times and what not =) Cheers for good friends!