Been feeling kinda restless of late. Still am figuring out what the heck I'm restless about...is it my job DISsatisfaction? Or the fact that I'm getting older, and the dreaded questions about marriage and kids spring up? OR, maybe I'm just getting depressed seeing all my friends being either happily married (with kids some more!) or going somewhere with their career, or even being able to do what they love...all of which I haven't been able to do.

Speaking of job dissatisfaction, I just got off from the external audit that our company had today. Real kudos and props should be given to my colleagues for all their hard work and cooperation with me, the ever-so-blur-case person supposedly 'in charge'. >.<" We all got an email from the CEO congratulating us for the work we had done, but the big spoiler to the 'exhilaration' would be the parting line of "...I would also like to think that there were NO LESS attention on your daily tasks! .....we must add VALUE!" -__________________-" What a way to deflate your so-called happiness right?

I remember someone asking me before about choosing between job satisfaction and money. Normally, I would always answer 'Job satisfaction, because enjoying what you do for a living is definitely better than the amount of money you make.' I realized now how naive I had been, looking back on my previous statement -it IS true that you should be enjoying what you do, but how many actually are fortunate enough to do THAT? I know very precious few people who do...and UNfortunately, I am not one of them. For what it's worth now, money seems to be the key factor that I'm gearing towards to. Why? I don't know...maybe it's partly because I happen to be one of those people that my parents kind of depend on to look after them when they're old (which I am still nowhere near to doing just yet). Supporting yourself is one thing, but to have other people supposedly counting on you to 'bring in more money for the family' sure kicks you in the head hard. And often times, I keep looking at my job and go, "What the heck am I doing now?" 

I had been wanting to try and get a career in writing since quite some time ago. Only recently I've been able to sort of 'break through' with the little freelance work that I can squeeze in after work hours. And I find, I quite enjoy it :) Thing is though, if I DO ever want to switch jobs, I would never be able to get back the current pay that I'm getting (low as it is now). What with me not having experience or formal 'training' in university in journalism and what not, I'm pretty sure that I'll be starting back with the salary I started with 2 years ago...maybe even lower. And, being 'knocked' with some sense talk by my elder sis (who with her good intentions, I fully understand), I realized that I might not be able to go far (so to speak) with writing as a full-time job. Sure, writing is my passion, but it doesn't pay that much...even for an editor. And so, I'm back to square one: either find a job that pays me decently (but I can potentially hate), or go with a job that I love (and possibly live poor[-ish] for the rest of my life).

Yes, I do understand that money is not everything, but my dear...money IS essential too. I don't know if it sounds so materialistic to some people, but I am sick and tired of having no savings on my own, no car, no house, and not having the option of being able to travel to wherever I want. Oh heck, forget all of that...I am barely making ends meet for myself, let alone supporting my parents!

I know, there are definitely many more people who are worse off than me. For that, I am thankful. BUT, who doesn't want to be moving forward and being better off? For me, I feel the pressure...and the clock is ticking for me. I'm getting older, and have no sign of moving up the 'corporate ladder'. Rather, I feel myself falling down from the ladder and am just looking at everybody else around me getting richer, or just moving up so fast. 

I remember reading somewhere along the lines of, "Stop asking WHY people can do it! Instead, ask yourself HOW you can achieve what they are doing!" Great advice, except for one small thing...if I already know HOW people are getting rich, I wouldn't be asking WHY right? And...if everybody knew HOW to get rich, there wouldn't be poverty, or labourers struggling to make a living. Heck, everyone would be rich billionaires! Not that I don't think about it still. I DO think about how...but all the time, the answer eludes me. Such is my life...and it kind of sucks. *sigh*