Never have I been more accurate about my feelings as of now until I saw the blog title..Simplicity is bliss, simplicity is awesome, and how I LONG for some simplicity in my life right now! Heck, I sometimes feel like Scottie has a much better life than me..>.<"

I know, I don't post anything for ages and then all of sudden...BAM! One whining, ranting post after another...thing is, I kind of feel this is my only outlet for my rants. It's a good way to let it all out without having someone interrupting my thoughts...I can just let it all out and let it go. Some day. Ha!

I've always thought that I pick up things (relatively) fast. Learning is kind of interesting, especially when you have enough material to go on. It's something that I tell potential employers during interviews and all....only to realize that I am actually really slow and dumb; incapable of handling even the simplest kinds of system flow.

Maybe I'm just too used to the environment that I was in previously. People are very nice and helpful; they don't skimp on their knowledge sharing and there's always documentation to fall on if everybody is busy and no one is free to help you out. I guess I expected that to be the same in this new environment. Boy, did I ever get a culture shock! I think I've been here for about 2-3 weeks, and I feel like it's up over my head in learning what I need to do here. For one, people here although are quite nice don't really warm up to you...or maybe I am just freaking myself out. I always get the feeling that everybody here has violent mood swings. Then, there's the so-called 'training'....apparently I'm expected to know stuff by just playing around with the system! Great, only thing is...I don't know what the heck that it does! Sure, they do give some explanations here and there, but it's never detailed enough to help you understand...so, I try it out on the system. Playing around doesn't help because I have no idea what happened even after I pushed the buttons! And they expect me to know where the freaking files are kept/extracted, what tables and fields in the database are updated, etc etc!

Fine, I thought I'd ask for some documentation to read up on the concepts...at least that would give me some idea, no? Not only was there no proper documentation, but whatever documentation existed, they were OUTDATED. How the heck am I supposed to do any testing on the new system when I only have knowledge of the old system?! And so, I went around asking....the more I asked, the more the faces seem to change and look irritated. And when they 'explain' it's so bloody vague I got more confused....and then they say that after 'explaining so many times' I still don't know what the system does. *sigh*

Do you ever get that feeling that some things are just not that complicated, if only you had a little bit more information, or that someone could point you in the right direction? Doesn't it get friggin' frustrating when people push and shove you in different directions expecting you to feel your way out and coming through the same exit they did? I am feeling exactly that right now...and dreading each day because I have no idea what is going to be thrown at me, and if I'll be able to swim in this pool of sharks just waiting to pounce and eat me alive.

I remember talking to an ex-colleague and she said that I shouldn't worry so much about the new environment...there's the 'honeymoon period' where everybody cuts you slack and lets you learn your way through. If only she could see me now! I seriously don't know what I'm doing and if I am cut out to do this...maybe I've overestimated my abilities. Just because I'm able to handle some smaller projects, doesn't mean I can handle such a big system right? Will I hit a wall sooner or later, or will I finally get what they're trying to 'explain'? I was told by another (new) colleague that it will take me months to know what the heck is it that they're doing....but it seems like they're expecting me to know everything by the end of this month. A gross overestimation of the supervisors on my so-called 'fast learning skills', or maybe I've sold myself too strongly?? Great....I'm so dead.

I find myself liking that title very much...even though I've never heard the song before. Wanted something that would sort of summarize what this post is about, and even when I tried playing around with the words, it didn't sound right until I Googled and voila! Google was and will always be my best friend...aside from Scottie ;)

Anyways, long story short...I have finally found a new 'path' for my career, if I can say what I'm doing now is a career! I have handed in my notice, and all seems to be smooth sailing without any fuss to my surprise. I have expected something very bad seeing some of my colleagues had to endure some very harsh comments and what not during their last few days in the company, but it hasn't happen. Yet. Yeah, it's probably bad of me to think the worse of my bosses, but I guess it's some sort of a blessing in disguise. MAYBE I could leave on (sort of) good terms with the company....or it could be that I'm insignificant enough to warrant a bashing from the big guns for leaving (which is a good thing too, IMO). LOL! 

Anyways, I still have about a week or so before I finish my tenure at my current company and I have a short period of break before I venture into 'new territory', so to speak. Hopefully it will be a good experience...keeping my fingers crossed and hoping for the best :) But I will definitely be missing all the good camaraderie with the colleagues and all...we'll still keep in touch, I hope! 

Feel so bad for not updating my blogs more often...Scottie's has been collecting dust! >.<" And my baking has taken a back seat too...what's gotten in to me??! The only other thing that's gotten me a bit excited is the fitness / dance / workout program that I'm considering to join...I realized that everybody in the new office are pretty and slim. *sigh* Sucker for conformation I know, but I also realized I've been ballooning in weight so much recently it's scaring me. Need to push and force myself to get some form of exercise so I don't keep putting on weight. I wondered though...if I push hard enough, might I even lose some weight? I dare not keep my hopes that high just yet...who knows, I might back out at the last minute. Eep!

Maybe I'm being too cynical in my life or something, but these days I keep seeing contradicting stuff that just makes me feel so....so....cheated (for a lack of a better word).

Just yesterday, Sis brought back a magazine (you know, those 'Health & Beauty' type magazines all filled with photos of models in extravagant clothes that we can never afford, and tonnes of advertisements for beauty products that don't really ever work?) after her shopping spree and being the 'snob' that I am, I flipped through the pages. The first thing that caught my eye was this huge title on the cover saying "Keep your curves and lose an average of 1kg a week" or something to that extent. That in itself got me thinking, "Why in the world would you promote curviness in a woman and YET get people to lose weight? A little bit contradicting, don't you think?" 

Still, curiosity got the best of this cat (and you know where that leads to!); I flipped to the article hoping to see that there are some ladies who are slightly bigger than normal women, and what did they do to be a little bit more in shape & healthier. Guess what I saw? Pretty women who were not in the least curvy to warrant that term! For one, they look kind of short, and these petite women are FAR from being called fat! Sure, they tried to make them look fat by putting terms like "Whole Body Mass", "Muscle Mass", "Fat Mass", and "Body Age", but nobody really understands it that much! And to make it worse, these ladies don't even hit the weight ABOVE 60kg! Oh, let's not ignore the fact that they ALSO added a little note about their "Ideal Weight"...and all of them were actually UNDERWEIGHT!!! What. The. Eff. Right??? 

Here they go promoting 'curves' (more like skin & bones to me) and then getting them ladies to lose weight when they're already grossly underweight (case in point: there's this lady who is only 47.7kg and her ideal weight was 60.6kg. After 3 weeks of 'healthy' eating and exercising, she became a waif thin 46.9kg. Go figure)! To think they would have the audacity to put it out in print...and distribute it to women all around the world! (This particular magazine has franchises all over the world....dare I say it? The name starts with a "C" and is similar to that famous Egyptian queen, Cleopatra)

Sure, I get it that in order to lose weight properly and all, healthy eating and exercise are important. They did give some great ideas on how to eat healthy, but to use underweight ladies as examples just screams hypocrisy! And damnit, I'm feeling quite pissed...or maybe it's the hormones. Or maybe I'm just unsatisfied with the way I am. Blah.

Okay, I'm not a good cook like lots of other food bloggers out there, but it just so happened that these few recipes that I've tried out turned out rather good for me (& yummy too, I might add!), so I'm posting it here again as a reminder that cooking is fun (well, the process is sometimes not, but the finished product and the tasting afterwards is!) and I should look for more recipes to try out rather than just sit and wallow at home...hey, at least there's some comfort food to eat right? ;) These are photos already in my FB page, but since I'm bored and all...might as well talk more about it here. Heh!

This was my version of PW's Coffee Cake (recipe here)...made it last week for Father's Day, since Dad is an avid coffee drinker (don't know if I'd used the word 'avid' correctly, but it sounded okay, so meh...LOL!) I thought it would do very nicely! And thankfully, it did! I was very hesitant about frosting the cake since the first few times I ever frosted any cake turned out to be complete disasters! But thanks to the great buttercream frosting, it was VERY spreadable and easy to work with so at least this time around I didn't botch it too much...YAYY! 

Dad loved the cake, so kudos to the great recipe! I liked it too, even though I'm no coffee drinker...the coffee taste was good, although it left a little bit of a bitter aftertaste (I think due to the coffee flecks in the frosting) but it's dense and not too sweet...that I think was because I reduced the sugar content A LOT! Coming from a family history of diabetics (my Mom is one, and my Dad has a family history...so I have a very high chance of getting it) I was always told that high amounts of sugar = EVIL, and I can't tolerate too sweet of a dessert myself so I ALWAYS reduce sugar when I bake...some might not like it, but the cakes and all turn out to be in my tolerated 'range', so it's still good IMO. LOL!

This was on Sunday...to celebrate Kenji's birthday, Father's Day and to welcome Mom, Sis & Rachel home I promised to make dinner. And it took me a whole day to do it, but it's SOOO worth it! The cake was from the day before (that coffee cake above), but the rest were made on Sunday: Meat Cake Pops for the furkids (my own 'idea' of a Cake Pop for them...surprisingly, it turned out quite well! YAYY!); Cajun Chicken Pasta (recipe here) - I made this with shrimp instead of chicken though; Hot & Sweet Drumsticks (recipe here); some blanched vegetables & Brazilian Lemonade again. 

Pasta was good! I was a bit too spice happy with the Cayenne pepper, and added just a wee bit too much so it was quite spicy. Thank goodness my family has a high tolerance for spiciness (unlike me!) and they said it wasn't that spicy. In fact, Mom said it was good...high praise coming from a woman who doesn't really like pasta, especially creamy ones! She said the spiciness 'covered' the cream taste which she can take :) Elder Sis wanted more cream to the pasta since she's a huge fan of carbonara...LOL! Oh well, if I ever make this again, I'll try to strike out a balance :P Chicken was good too, but when it was cooking, they were swimming in not just the sauce, but the chicken drippings too! I felt the sauce was a bit too watery for my liking, so I took the chicken out and thickened the sauce...tasted better, but I think next time I wouldn't cook the sauce first before adding to the chicken. Instead, maybe letting it cook together with the chicken might be just the trick to getting the sauce just nice like PW's version :)

Due to my enthusiasm in getting the correct ingredients, I ended up with lots of stuff that we wouldn't normally use in Chinese cooking...so, I'm gearing up for another round of cooking this week (hopefully! *crosses fingers*) I still have quite a bit of buttermilk left...very pricey for Malaysia, so I didn't want to waste it. I went searching at PW's site and found recipes like Orange Mini Muffins with Brown Sugar Glaze & Homemade Chicken Strips which will use up the buttermilk quite nicely! I'm hankering to try that, and maybe this Coconut and Lemon Loaf recipe too to finish off my very nice (& quite pricey) shredded Hawaiian coconut that I got some time ago....who knew that we can only get shredded HAWAIIAN coconut when in Malaysia, we have an abundance of coconut trees?! Unfortunately the only kind of 'shredded' coconut that we have are dessicated, which are dry and too small for some of the coconut recipes that I found...hence the extra forking of moolah for coconut. Sad >.<"

As I sit here typing this, it's been my first real 'break' from the (almost) non-stop work I've been doing since 9am today. What kind of work is it? HOUSEWORK! And I've not done half of the things I'm supposed to do...o.O" 

Being the weekend and all, I was very enthusiastic about some more projects that I could try out...started at 9 with cinnamon rolls (recipe here) which were done in about 2 hours (including baking), which turned out to be the fugliest cinnamon rolls in the world due to my noob skills! Oh well, it was good though...recipe was great; it's the person that needs work. LOL! Then it was on to baked fish sticks and heating up some packed food from Y...with lots of washing and cleaning up in between. After that, getting the house to look slightly NOT messy so that when P arrives for lunch, he wouldn't get put off. Didn't work out coz he was early as usual....LOL! Still, lunch was okay...=) Had fun talking about dogs and their antics =)

After that, cleaned up and washed the dishes, cleaned up doggies' messes and put the clothes out to dry....only to realize it was going to be dinner time! Still wanting to try again a similar recipe, I attempted the cheesy garlic bread swirls (recipe here) to go with Campbell's mushroom soup (yes, from the can...I'm not THAT good yet! LOL!). Realizing Dad needs just a bit more food than me, quickly stirred up some sausages, eggs and beans just in case...=) Cleaned up, washed the dishes (yet again) and then on to doing the laundry. Whilst doing that, realized Dad's clothes for work have run out, so did some ironing for him (and some of my work clothes) too....phew! Just typing this out made me exhausted >.<"

As I look back upon the amount of work I had to do (and the amount that I HAVEN'T done, like cleaning the floors and the car!!), I really admire the women who stayed at home to be full-time housewives and mothers...some even without the help of maids! It's really amazing to see these formidable women keeping the house spotless and at the same time ensure that everybody in the family is well fed, make sure the house supplies are sufficient, remember every bill deadline, chauffeuring the kids the school, and the list goes on and on...o.O" 

At the same time, I also kind of understood also how my Mom felt doing all the work; why she would be extra grumpy during the weekends (coz we sit around doing nothing...but at the same time, weekends are the only times we get to sit and do nothing because we've been working during the weekdays! Oh, the irony!) and why she would actually snap at you when the the only sentences that come out from your mouth are, "Is dinner ready?" or "Have you boiled water yet?" or "Hey, the clothes have not been washed yet...you'd better wash it coz there are so many already piled up!". Let's not mention the monotony of doing the same thing over and over and over again in the course of the day for so many years...o.O"

Seriously, it's scary thinking about it! There's ALWAYS something that needs to be done, and just when you've finished one thing you realize that there's something else that needs to be done! Or when you're in the midst of doing something, you see something else that's related to what you're doing, so you might as well finish that too right? o.O" Or maybe it's just me...LOL! All those years of drilling from my Mom when I was still studying and helping her out with the chores, I get kind of 'extreme' in a way....things has to be done a certain way, or if I get it done, it has to be done rather quickly. It's just freaky to think that after all the work you've done (and you feel quite proud that you've accomplished that with a rather sore back to prove it!), you realize also that there's so MUCH more that haven't been done, and it's already been one whole day! O.O"

All I can say is, if I ever get my own home some day I will make sure I will get help (be it part-time or full-time....hmm, maybe part-time is better) because there's no way I'll be able to juggle a full-time job and coming home to do all the housework. I still remember there's this quote from a character in "Pride & Prejudice" (starring Keira Knightley) about how "it's SUCH a joy running my own home!" OMG...just saying it out loud already got me horrified. >.<" I guess I will never be that kind of a woman...oh yes, which reminds me that tomorrow (or rather in the evening today!) I will be trying out a whole dinner for Dad, Vivian and her bf...eep! What have I gotten myself into??

I've often wondered why life is so unfair...I mean, who doesn't right? Why is it that I never get what my sisters get, why is it that everyone else seems so better off compared to me, why why why....so many questions, until friends and family tell me: C'est La Vie (That's Life). Be thankful with what you have and just move on. Good things will come your way soon; and if all else fails, think about so many other people who don't have what I have right now...

I guess I'm at that place again where I don't know who I am or what am I here for, etc etc. Even after thinking about it long enough (does thinking until your head hurts count as long enough?), I STILL have no idea what I'm good at...work-wise or even just in life. "Good" to me isn't just about knowing how to do certain things...it's about having that passion, that sparkle that comes to the person's eyes when he/she talks about it, or the way a person just lights up when the subject creeps up. I somehow fail to find that 'thing'...and it's kind of disappointing in a way. I really admire the people who just KNOWS what they want in their lives; that they're meant to be that type of person and just bulldozing ahead with their goals. I don't know...perhaps I've been dozing too much or something. I keep feeling that there's something not quite right with me, but I can't exactly pin point what. Maybe it's a myriad of things...or maybe I'm just not confident with who I am right now. C'est La Vie, no? We make do with what we have? I've always thought I'd do something different with my life...what exactly, I don't know! But there's always this naggy gut feeling that it should be something else...*sigh* 

I know I have to quit whining and buck up...and yet everytime I psyche myself up to do it, always at the last minute, I chicken out. >.<" Maybe I need to see a therapist or something...right now, I just know it feels shitty to be me. And yet, whenever I go home, to see Scottie's happy face and ecstatic 'screaming' that I'm home is just awesome...LOL! To know that someone (even if it's just a dog) is just happy that you're around...wow. 

Oh well, I need to stop crying....otherwise people will think I'm crazy. LOL! I shall post more happy memories from now on...which shall be about cooking. LOLL! Yes, just like Kung Fu Panda, I eat when I'm upset or when I'm happy. Food's always a comfort..even though I'm ballooning up like crazy. >.<" Following recipes always is fun to me...the best thing ever would be when what I make actually turns out to be like it should be! (Or at least, ALMOST where it should be is good enough!) This was what I did the past few days when I was self-quarantined after Rachel was confirmed with H1N1 (hey, people have to eat also...even when they're sick! *wink*):

I guess this is what happens when you expect so much from something and putting too much hope. Yup, you've guessed right. I didn't get it. Like a friend said before, I need to manage my expectations. The more one expects something, the harder it will be to take that one has failed later. I feel shitty now, so I guess that saying's true. *sigh*

Well, back to more job-hunting I guess.

First of all, thank you very much for seeing me on Friday in the 'sharing' session between your organization and myself. After that session, I have given it much thought and contemplation on what was being shared, and in line with the concept of 'family' and being open to ideas and opinions, allow me to share a few that I haven't been able to share honestly during my time with you.

Yes, it's very true that I don't go about with makeup on my face. As you have already noticed, it is not the most suitable kind to be putting on makeup. I have done what I can, going to a dermatologist. It has actually been much better than it used to be. The thing is though, money has been a problem, especially after my dermatologist passed away. Going to beauty salons to get facials hasn't been helping either. I had even been to Ultimate Impressions (now called bluunis, as I'm sure you're already familiar with) which promised me that my face would clear up after 10 sessions. After my fifth, my face had become so bad I had lost faith in not only their products but their services as well. Needless to say I never went back, and there goes RM1k++ down the drain. Looking back at that experience got me thinking...is branding all that? Just a lot of nice layers so that consumers would go get their products and service? Perhaps you might see it differently, but to me as a consumer, it is so wrong to go all out and market products that claim they are great, but in real life, it is not that way at all. 

Back to the face thing. Is it so true that without makeup a lady cannot be presentable? I do not claim that I am very pretty or whatsoever, but I do know friends who go about without makeup and they still look very pleasant. I would like to try make up on (I do like how I looked in that photo), but it is SO hard for me to put make up on and NOT break out right after. That time I took the photo, I looked okay for a while, but the week after, I cannot be seen at all. I do know some products that will help not to break out, but these non-comedogenic products are hard to come by (read: expensive) and I doubt that I can afford that, should I be staying in Penang with a salary less than RM2k.

Call me calculative or what may, but I find it so very difficult to be able to make ends meet with a salary that's less than RM2k and having to rent my own place, probably paying for a car, and other expenses. It might be sufficient maybe 5 - 10 years ago, but with the current situation, it seems impossible. To break it down and in your words, 'being thrifty enough', a room: RM400 (minus bills), car: RM300-500, food: RM600. That is already RM1300 - RM1500. Way more than the RM1250 that one can apparently survive in Penang. And that doesn't include the other expenses I have to bear for let's say, another dermatologist (consultation fee: RM70 every time, medication: RM100 - 300 depending on what was prescribed), make up (easily costing from RM200 - RM500 for basic utensils and what not) and not to mention clothes (you might have noticed that I am not of the petite size that the average Malaysian girl has. As such, my clothes are always hard to find, and I almost always have to purchase clothes that are imported. These range from RM50 - RM100 for each piece). All in the name of looking 'good and presentable'. Oh yes, let's not forget the contact lenses that I have to purchase (A box of contact lenses that last a month costs about RM50-60) and at the same time sacrificing my already deteriorating eyesight. Even though it is quite 'mild' now, but with prolonged use of contacts every day for up to 12 hours (which I am presuming to work) the eyes will definitely be in very bad shape. Ask any ophthalmologist or optician, and they will tell you the same thing.

And forgive me if I am wrong, but with all the sayings about being a family and all that, doesn't being in a family mean that we would accept each other as we are? Would you say that YOUR family will only accept pretty girls and handsome guys? In that case, I guess I wouldn't be suitable to be part of the family. Yes, my family would always get me to try and be 'better', but in the end, should I choose not to, they would still accept me as I am because I AM FAMILY. If this 'family' thing is really as it claimed itself to be in your organization, I'm so sorry but I think it's very discriminatory.

At this point of time, you might be saying that these are just excuses for myself to make me feel better. It might be to you, but that IS the reality that I am living with now. I am imperfect, and I doubt that I could be very well be on the way of 'climbing up' with having to not just be on top of my game work-wise, but also having to compete in the looks department. And yet, I have also things that I like and love which don't necessarily need me to be THAT pretty person, for which I am very thankful for. Having said that, I thank you once again for the 'sharing' session. Although I am - as was being implied - 'unsuitable' for the position, it had taught me a little bit more about the branding 'world' and how I won't be able to fit in. I shall therefore 'not waste both your time and mine' with the process any longer. Thank you and hope you have a good day.

Sincerely, Audrey

I'm still pinching myself that I'm in Penang right now. It has been such a whirlwind experience; taking a bus (and almost missing it) to Penang and reaching in record time (according to my friend who went with me), going for a job interview that has started to freak me out a little, and having such a gastronomical adventure with all the great food in Penang!

I don't really know what prompted me to go for this job thing. At first, it was just about trying to get a job that is in line of my writing interest, but now looking back at this interview that i was just at, I'm starting to freak out. Perhaps it's about their concept of 'branding' as they put it. The way they go on and on about building dreams and passion is great, but then they also go about talking on how they are all a 'family' and that they do not have office politics. Ever. Guaranteed some more! Try as I may, I seriously can't grasp the idea that there is an actual company that can guarantee no office politics...either they are really THAT good, or they are so hoodwinked into their 'branding' thing that they don't see it happening. Yes, I am that cynical.

Maybe I'm being bitter or something. There was a time they talked about personal grooming and they asked me questions that really took me off guard. They showed me the photo that I sent them a while back of myself (which was taken after my photoshoot for graduation. I had nice make up and hair done by an actual make up artist), and then went "What happened to you? Why did you show up like what you are now? I find it quite unacceptable that you have come to the interview with NO MAKE UP on. Personal grooming is very important, [insert long speech about grooming and looking the part]. Do you go for facials? I think perhaps before you put on make up and stuff like that, you should go to beauty salons and let them analyse your skin so you can get your skin cleared up first. Do you wear contacts? *After I told them about my degree of short-sightedness* Oh, it's very mild only!"

Okay, I have no qualms about you telling me that I don't take pride in how I look, even though how nice you may have put it and stuff like that. Truth is, I find it such a lost cause, especially my face. Talking about that is another long story, but suffice to say that I've not only spent a tremendous amount of money on it, but it's not doing much at the moment. I would like to try make up on (I do like how I looked in that photo), but it is SO hard for me to put make up on and NOT break out right after. That time I took the photo, I looked okay for a while, but the week after, I cannot be seen at all. And it's not that I don't want to wear contacts, but it IS actually not good to wear it on a long term basis. Facing the PC everyday for almost 8 hours everyday will not do the eyes good. I do wear contacts when it comes to special occasions, but contact lenses cost money too, you know? Would you be implying that I have to sacrifice my eyes to make sure that I look good? And what of that 'family' concept? Isn't the core thing about family is that we accept each other for who we are, ugly warts, fat bits and all? Would you say that YOUR family will only accept pretty girls and handsome guys? And I still don't get that girls have to make up and all that. Call me naive or what, but why is it that only GIRLS have to do it? I don't see guys putting make up on (Okay, maybe some really vain ones do, but I doubt that the majority of guys do it just yet), and yet they seem to do alright. Wouldn't one just need to look presentable? Wouldn't having make up on make you feel like a fraud; a mask that you have to put on daily, to hide your flaws and project a false image of yourself? I don't know. I guess it's my own thing. Apparently, it's not just about what you can do; how you look is equally (if not more) important. Have we become that shallow, or it's just me?

Looking at their take on how much I'm to expect for my 'non-experience', I wonder if I could survive (they are asking me to expect not even my current salary. Instead, maybe even lower than my starting pay when I first worked in my current company). Moving to Penang, getting a room and having to most probably get a car, what would that leave me for savings or even giving my parents 'spending money'? According to them, if I'm 'thrifty enough, and willing to work hard, you would be rewarded when performance is great'. Wow, that just puts a fire into your spirit.

I still can't phantom how I'm going to deal with this. I guess I'm making up more excuses for myself for not 'going the distance and taking action'. Suddenly I don't feel like doing the assignment that they have given me. Am I such a loser that I would just give up like that? Maybe I am. Or maybe I should take it as a challenge to just do it and see how far I can go;  and if (that's a big IF) on the off-chance that they would offer me the job, throwing it back at their face saying that I don't need them. Yeah, that sounds like a plan...

HR: *talking really fast, like as if he/she is rushing for something and has no time to talk* Hi Audrey, we're pleased to inform you that you have been offered a position in [insert company's name]. Your position is [insert job designation], and we are offering you a salary package of [insert necessary details about salary, bonuses, leaves, etc etc]. So, do you accept??

Me: *taken aback from the sudden influx of information to digest* Errrr....okayyyy. That sounds good, but would it be possible for me to take some time to think about it? I need time to digest the information given to me.

HR: *is now either quite impatient or speaks in an even more chipper voice* Okayyy...how much time do you need? Can I call you TOMORROW??!!

Me: *even more flabbergasted*

Been feeling kinda restless of late. Still am figuring out what the heck I'm restless about...is it my job DISsatisfaction? Or the fact that I'm getting older, and the dreaded questions about marriage and kids spring up? OR, maybe I'm just getting depressed seeing all my friends being either happily married (with kids some more!) or going somewhere with their career, or even being able to do what they love...all of which I haven't been able to do.

Speaking of job dissatisfaction, I just got off from the external audit that our company had today. Real kudos and props should be given to my colleagues for all their hard work and cooperation with me, the ever-so-blur-case person supposedly 'in charge'. >.<" We all got an email from the CEO congratulating us for the work we had done, but the big spoiler to the 'exhilaration' would be the parting line of "...I would also like to think that there were NO LESS attention on your daily tasks! .....we must add VALUE!" -__________________-" What a way to deflate your so-called happiness right?

I remember someone asking me before about choosing between job satisfaction and money. Normally, I would always answer 'Job satisfaction, because enjoying what you do for a living is definitely better than the amount of money you make.' I realized now how naive I had been, looking back on my previous statement -it IS true that you should be enjoying what you do, but how many actually are fortunate enough to do THAT? I know very precious few people who do...and UNfortunately, I am not one of them. For what it's worth now, money seems to be the key factor that I'm gearing towards to. Why? I don't know...maybe it's partly because I happen to be one of those people that my parents kind of depend on to look after them when they're old (which I am still nowhere near to doing just yet). Supporting yourself is one thing, but to have other people supposedly counting on you to 'bring in more money for the family' sure kicks you in the head hard. And often times, I keep looking at my job and go, "What the heck am I doing now?" 

I had been wanting to try and get a career in writing since quite some time ago. Only recently I've been able to sort of 'break through' with the little freelance work that I can squeeze in after work hours. And I find, I quite enjoy it :) Thing is though, if I DO ever want to switch jobs, I would never be able to get back the current pay that I'm getting (low as it is now). What with me not having experience or formal 'training' in university in journalism and what not, I'm pretty sure that I'll be starting back with the salary I started with 2 years ago...maybe even lower. And, being 'knocked' with some sense talk by my elder sis (who with her good intentions, I fully understand), I realized that I might not be able to go far (so to speak) with writing as a full-time job. Sure, writing is my passion, but it doesn't pay that much...even for an editor. And so, I'm back to square one: either find a job that pays me decently (but I can potentially hate), or go with a job that I love (and possibly live poor[-ish] for the rest of my life).

Yes, I do understand that money is not everything, but my dear...money IS essential too. I don't know if it sounds so materialistic to some people, but I am sick and tired of having no savings on my own, no car, no house, and not having the option of being able to travel to wherever I want. Oh heck, forget all of that...I am barely making ends meet for myself, let alone supporting my parents!

I know, there are definitely many more people who are worse off than me. For that, I am thankful. BUT, who doesn't want to be moving forward and being better off? For me, I feel the pressure...and the clock is ticking for me. I'm getting older, and have no sign of moving up the 'corporate ladder'. Rather, I feel myself falling down from the ladder and am just looking at everybody else around me getting richer, or just moving up so fast. 

I remember reading somewhere along the lines of, "Stop asking WHY people can do it! Instead, ask yourself HOW you can achieve what they are doing!" Great advice, except for one small thing...if I already know HOW people are getting rich, I wouldn't be asking WHY right? And...if everybody knew HOW to get rich, there wouldn't be poverty, or labourers struggling to make a living. Heck, everyone would be rich billionaires! Not that I don't think about it still. I DO think about how...but all the time, the answer eludes me. Such is my life...and it kind of sucks. *sigh*